The Day I.C.E. Brought $20 Million Electric Gloves to a Mad Tea Party
My imagination cap is firmly strapped on and the tea is poured. Let’s head down the rabbit hole and see what happens when bureaucracy meets nonsense.
The Compliance of Wonderland
The afternoon tea party was proceeding with its usual chaotic rhythm. The Mad Hatter was trying to stuff the Dormouse into a teapot, and Alice was politely trying to explain that one cannot simply un-drink a cup of Earl Grey, when the bushes violently rustled.
Out stepped two men in matching, sharply tailored dark suits, mirrored aviator sunglasses, and bowler hats.
"Hold it right there, folks. Immigration and Customs Enforcement," barked the first gent, flashing a badge that read Agent Dumby.
"Nobody move, especially not the girl in the pinafore!" yelled his partner, Agent Goofie, tripping slightly over a croquet mallet.
The Hatter paused, teapot suspended in mid-air. "ICE? Splendid! We were just running out for the iced tea. Do take a seat."
Dumby scowled, ignoring the offer. He pointed a stern finger at Alice. "We have received anonymous intelligence from a grinning feline that an undocumented non-citizen bypassed the official Looking-Glass checkpoints and illegally immigrated via an unauthorized Rabbit Hole."
"I merely fell!" Alice protested, crossing her arms. "And I don't even know where I am."
"Ignorance of the Queen's border policies is no excuse," Goofie sneered. He dramatically raised his hands. Strapped to his palms were heavy, flashing metallic mittens that crackled with blue sparks. "It’s a good thing HQ just approved our $20 million contract. Prepare to experience the G.L.O.V.E.!"
"The what?" asked the March Hare, twitching his nose.
"The Generated Low Output Voltage Emitter," Dumby explained proudly, pulling on his own pair. "It is a conductive distraction and de-escalation device. It delivers a localized pain stimulus to gain immediate compliance from combative individuals."
"The manual says it feels like a tactical bee sting," Goofie added, wiggling his metal-clad fingers. "Now, put your hands behind your back, little missy, or I'm going to have to forcefully distract you."
Alice rolled her eyes. "That sounds incredibly excessive."
Before Goofie could reach Alice, the Cheshire Cat materialized directly between them, his wide grin floating just inches from Goofie's nose. "A bee sting, you say? How delightful. I haven't been stung since Tuesday."
Startled, Goofie panicked and lunged to grab the cat. With a pop, the Cheshire Cat vanished completely.
Goofie’s hands clamped shut on empty air—and kept going, directly onto Agent Dumby’s shoulder.
ZAP!
"YEOOOWCH!" Dumby shrieked, his bowler hat flying off his head as a jolt of low-output voltage coursed through his suit. He stumbled backward, his own G.L.O.V.E. accidentally swatting Goofie in the face.
ZAP!
"MY COMPLIANCE!" Goofie wailed, dropping to his knees and clutching his nose. "It really does feel like a bee sting!"
The Mad Hatter applauded wildly. "Brilliant! An electric jitterbug! Do the March Hare next!"
"What is the meaning of this unauthorized buzzing in my garden?!" boomed a voice from the rose bushes. The Queen of Hearts stormed into the clearing, flanked by a dozen heavily armed Card Soldiers. She glared at the two agents writhing in the grass.
"Your Majesty!" Dumby gasped, trying to stand up while his left arm twitched uncontrollably. "We are federal I.C.E. Gents! We are here to enforce the border and deport the pinafore girl!"
The Queen narrowed her eyes at their sparking hands. "You dare bring electric mittens into my kingdom without a permit? Only I deliver painful stimuli around here!" She pointed a trembling, furious finger at the agents. "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"
The Card Soldiers lunged. Dumby and Goofie panicked and started wildly throwing tactical bee-stings. They slapped the Two of Spades, they zapped the Five of Clubs—but the electricity just harmlessly singed the edges of the playing cards.
"They're made of paper!" Goofie screamed, dodging a halberd. "The G.L.O.V.E. is ineffective against two-dimensional targets!"
"Retreat! Retreat to the Rabbit Hole!" Dumby yelled.
The two I.C.E. Gents scrambled into the woods, their $20 million gloves blindly shocking trees, flamingos, and occasionally each other, followed closely by a stampede of angry playing cards.
Alice took a calm sip of her tea, watching the sparks fade into the distance. "Well," she sighed. "I suppose that's one way to de-escalate a tea party."
XxxxxxxxxxxX
'Twas brillig, and the Lapsang tea
Did gyre and gimble in the pot:
All mimsy was the Hatter’s glee,
And the Dormouse outgrabe a lot.
"Beware the I.C.E. Gents, my child!
The sparks that bite, the mitts that catch!
Beware the Dumby-bird, and shun
The frumious Goofie-snatch!"
He took his sparking glove in hand:
Long time the pinafore he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Cheshire Cat, with grin of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And vanished as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The voltage mitt went snicker-snack!
He missed the girl, and shocked his friend,
Who went galumphing back.
"Hast thou brought zappers to my court?"
The Crimson Queen did loudly bawl.
"Oh frabjous day! Calloo! Callay!
Off with their heads, you all!"
'Twas brillig, and the Lapsang tea
Did gyre and gimble in the pot:
The federal gents had fled the scene,
And nonsense ruled the plot.
